Monday, June 30, 200312:21 AM ever heard your heart breaking??
Like that sound of breaking glass. I asked him to call me up 'cause I wanted to talk to him about my dilemma. And then the conversation turned sour:
me: so how are you?
him: didn't you know I resigned already?
me: again?? why?
him: coz I'm going to Canada already. I'm going to follow Lyanne.
me: oh... you guys getting married na?
him: probably middle of next year, yeah. civil wedding and then Church wedding
But I was supposed to marry you, you stupid jerk!!!
I have made my decision: I am going to apply for the job. It’s not so grand a decision, really, not from anyone else’s point of view. But for me, it is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I have been constantly thinking of the pros and cons for the past four days. The way I have pondered about it deserved some kind of award. How hard could it be? Difficult for it dealt with the facts that I was growing up and aside from that; it is one heck of a test of friendship.
And so I have asked for some kind of Divine Intervention. I am not really a religious person but I believe that God has a reason for everything. Of course I prayed. I went to mass this morning with a question and I came home with an answer. The parish I go to has this idea of a daily dose of God’s message. I picked out a rolled piece of paper that usually contains a passage from the Bible and here’s what I got:
”When I am weak, then I am strong.” - 2 Corinthians12:10
”What does God want you to be? Waste no time wondering if you can do it. The question is: will you? Your weakness is itself a potent claim on the Divine Mercy.”
At some point in our lives, we have to face the things that we are uncertain of what the outcome will be. Sure, I have thought of the idea that I am just making a big deal out of everything. But really, isn’t the first job you ever apply for a big deal? The decision indicated a lot of things --- sacrifices that I was not willing to make at first but I have now accepted and pursued. Applying for job means that I accept I will never get to do the things I love to do as a student so engrossed in university life. Applying the job holds the possibility that I will be accepted and this means no chorale rehearsals, less gym time (so that ten-pound goal will have to be postponed), no more university plays to head, no more changing the constitution in UA&P, and most of all, no more COMELEC. I feel like my arteries are in knots while typing these. But then, not applying for the job basically condemns the active extracurricular life I have deemed as the best training ground for the real world in front of me. And was it not just a few weeks ago that I have talked about experiencing what life is like outside the bell jar of a school? I’d be damned if I don’t go for what I consider to be one of my dream jobs.
And anyway, it’s not really for sure if I get the job. I am hoping I will get it. I want it so badly that it hurts, that somehow the idea of not getting it terrifies me. The explanation is that I believe in what the job entailed. People have accusingly called me ma-papel to be so involved in so many things --- student politics, theater and music, and then political economy. True, the things I have done took their toll on my academic life, but I never regretted a single second. To hell with those people who do not understand what the sweat, tears and blood I literally shed; and God bless those who have supported me even though sometimes, I couldn’t be understood.
I was asked once, “what do you love about this school?”. And I will answer it again, the same thing I have said a year ago. I love this school because it is not perfect; that it gives me the opportunity to make a difference.
And if I was given the chance to re-author the vision of the org I co-founded, I wouldn’t take it because I am already satisfied with what I have written: We envision the youth to take an active role in the achievement of responsible citizenship and excellent leadership in society.
Soliloquy deserves the same chance which is why I have informed her of the opening as soon as I heard of it. At this point, things got emotional which added to the difficulty of arriving at a sound decision. But whatever happens, I hope it will be for the best for both of us. And I hope she forgives me for being too mushy about her well-being.
Well, I can always go back to my life. At least, I won’t spend it wondering about the what-ifs and the shoulda-coulda-wouldas. If ever I don’t get it, then I guess maybe I am meant for bigger things. I still have COMELEC, con-con, and the university play to look forward to. And hey, ten pounds off my body couldn’t be too bad!
Pardon my ignorance in sociology or psychology, but whoever said about the alter-ego and the ego was probably a demigod, at least, from my point of view. After having lunch with the COMELEC Commissioners and getting in gear for the bumpy year ahead, I realized that I have a number of weird alter-egos, and that I am in fact a schizo in more ways than, well, two. (I hear Bundi snickering somewhere out there.)
My many nicknames are probably the culprit. Aside from Alba, Tess exists and that's the normal day-to-day version, the wear-and-tear kind if ever that was possible of a human being. And then there's Ray or Ria, the disc jockey that somehow springs out once nobody is around to see me do embarassing things or normal things I'd never have the guts to do. And then there's Reese, the rebellious writer who declared she never believed in the EDSA Dos revolution (for reasonable arguments, I'm sure), even I am shocked by this. There's also Maria who breezed through Fr. Soria's theology class in freshman year. There's Teresa who loved every minute of torture time with Dr. Terosa, the dreaded economics teacher in the whole of UA&P; and then the Belgian waffle afficionado, Pegs. Hmmm... who else am I missing? Oh yeah, there's also the rare Sett that only comes out when high school friends are about, and last, the volleyball-screw-up Tekya.
Imagine the number of accounts I have to maintain daily if I gave them all blogs.
The part of me that says I should apply is taking the lead. But the deadline is two days away, so let's just wait and see what I think about that job next.
I have been looking forward to read something that has nothing to do with political economy, actually nothing that requires a lot of brain activity. I just want a simple plot, a bit of intrigue here and there, and of course, a bit of outrageousness that makes the piece less resemblant of reality. In this case, classic literature and other bestseller brain ticklers are somehow to be put on hold, at least, for now.
So to my surprise, I (finally) find myself reading a no-brainer novel, it's a love story... but not really one of those full-fledged romance novels that my sister is so crazy about. It's entitled Deceptions, a book I borrowed from my physical therapist. From the title you could already tell that it's one of those soap-operatic-bold-and-the-beautiful stories that people like me would conclude to be a waste of time. I don't really care anymore. I just want anything related to my life in UA&P to be flushed out of my system temporarily.
I'm now aiming to own copies of The Break Up Diaries and Drama Queen. I read somewhere that they're good reads --- funny and light --- the right concoctions for me to become a normal human again.
Gaaaaahhhh!!! I'm getting confused. Should I apply or not? A lot of reasons tell me not to. One of them entailing me to concentrate more on my studies... but the load is light considering that the stressful projects are in summer where all youth groups are available. On the other hand, a lot of other reasons tell me to go for it.
What to do... I really do want the job. I have always wanted to work with Dr. Estanislao ever since I met him two years ago when I did a presentation for him about this org I co-founded. Anyway, I have this weekend to think it over.
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Wednesday, June 25, 200310:51 PM you never know when opportunity knocks
A dream job just opened!!! And I am still trying to get over the shock. That's how happy I am right now. Heck, I'm ecstatic!
The NGO I did practicum for emailed me about an opening for a staff member. I am definitely, ultimately, beyond doubt, genuinely interested in applying. The position actually calls for two responsibilities since it's a two-institute-in-one sort of organization. For the Institute of Corporate Directors (ICD), the position title is Membership Program Coordinator and for the Institute for Solidarity in Asia, it's Youth Program Coordinator. I am not so acquainted with the ICD responsibilities, but the ISA youth-part is like mannah from heaven --- too good to be true, but it's right there in front of me! I can't imagine any other type of desk job. Working with the idealism of the youth is like the best thing I could ever do! This is something that I know, something that I love, and something that I believe in!
The job requires for a BA graduate, though. Maybe I can talk to my one of my old bosses about it... arrive at a negotiation or something since I only have a few classes. But one of the requirements says Youth Leader--- God loves me.
* * *
Tuesday, June 24, 200311:21 PM
So far today was a good day. Had lunch with Soliloquy in LKG. Nice food court, by the way! I was surrounded with office people, seemed really cool… so that’s how lunch breaks go. Went to the gym and then class.
Class was more bearable than usual. Thank God the J-man decided to switch with another professor for the class. At least now I can breathe easy. I don’t have to worry about my left eyebrow rising impulsively every time I hear the J-man talk. Even though I don’t like the arrogance of the new prof, anyone is better than the J-man.
Right now, I’m pretty worked up about COMELEC. Even though it’s just the start of the year, I want to fix it up already because this year’s election might be the most monumental with the new constitution under way. There shouldn’t be any room for mistakes this year. So I want to do strategic planning already, plus I’ll be giving my resignation since a third term doesn’t really look good.
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Monday, June 23, 200310:38 PM from ortigas to makati during rush hour... and back
I couldn't go to the gym today. Guess why? Because my friend since high school suddenly sent me an SMS that she was stranded in Ayala with torn sandals. Yup you read it right. She was wearing these flip-flop-type of step-ins, the kind that are not so comfortable but you wear them anyway because they look adorable on your feet. Well, they're also the type that when the straps break, you can hardly ever walk without looking like an idiot. I found her at the corner of Makati Ave and North, sitting on the pavement. Poor girl. I brought her my sandals, the pair that I had that were too small.
I couldn't stay long. I had to go back to Ortigas and buy my niece Vitamin C tablets and spaghetti from Red Ribbon. (It just has to be spaghetti from Red Ribbon). I swear, when she craves, she craves! hehehe! She also requested for a bag of calamansi for her colds. Go to the grocery at 7:30? When everybody is practically running around finishing their shopping? In Megamall?!? I can bring sandals wherever, no problem. But fight the mad crowd of shoppers for a bunch of fruit? Um... maybe next time.
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4:34 PM If you're a Meteor Garden fan, you should NOT click on this despite the gwapo-cute-ness of F4.
It seems to me that the frenzy of pop culture entails Meteor Garden cutesies and Harry Potter 5 retail. I am so out, but then when did I ever start caring to be "in"? I feel too old to watch Meteor Garden, which is why I don't watch it. My ignorance about the teen soap opera showed when I mistakenly referred to it as Meteor Shower. My physical therapist asked me one time if I'm trying to grow my hair like Sunshine's. With much bewlilderment, I just asked, "who's Sunshine?"
And HP5? I can understand the craze, but I am proud to say that I am still capable of waiting for it to come in paperback, despite the tip that a major character is going to die in it. My guess is Dumbledore.
* * *
4:16 PM don't you just wish you could be lois lane sometimes?
I was never a big fan of Superman, but I was still a fan. I hated the way his suit turns green in the movies but I remember him being one of my childhood heroes next to Batman and Spiderman. And though I think Christopher Reeves is cute, Dean Cain is hot! So imagine the distraction of sitting in front of a Dean Cain look-alike in Comparative Politics --- the class inconveniently scheduled at lunchtime. It must have been the hunger OR in this case, it must have been the broad shoulders, the nice tan, the wavy hair, and those glasses!
Oh great... I have a crush on Superman (as he is fondly called by his batch-mates). Dammit!
And he smiled at me! Mental note: must ask Claire to exchange seats this Thursday.
While surfing the net for case studies on NGO participation for my Research Methods class, I came across The Shell Centenary Scholarship Fund Wow! cool! Maybe it's a sign (hahaha there I go again). Pretty much happy until I read the criteria. Everything looks good and promising except the bold font:
[>] be aged under 35.
[>] be nationals of and resident in a country which is not in the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), or of the Czech Republic, Hungary, Mexico, Poland, the Slovak Republic or Turkey;
[>] be fluent in spoken and written English (minimum IELTS 7.5)
[>] be of outstanding academic ability and have obtained, or expect to obtain shortly, a degree equivalent to a first class honours degree at a British university. [>] not be a current or former employee of the Royal Dutch/Shell Group of Companies.
I hope there will never be a Hulk 2 because that would be pushing their luck of tricking audiences that it's a good movie. OR if they make a second movie about the Hulk, they better make sure that the audience will be another generation and that their technology better not make him look like an oversized buffed Shrek. I knew that the movie didn't please critics, reviews were negative, but I never thought the movie was that bad.
The computer generated imagery sucked. The Hulk looked totally fake. The story was complicated like it was in the series and the comic books but people who are not so acquainted with this Marvel character wouldn't be able to grasp Bruce Banner's life. Personally, I am disappointed. I grew up with Marvel stuff and that was not the Hulk that I just saw yesterday.
Too bad. I hope Stan Lee is enjoying his Spiderman 2 gig. I think that'll be the only thing to distract him from this embarassment. It's a shame, really. I was waiting for this movie for the past months. Maybe I'll borrow someone's pirated VCD to understand the story better. But that will be for a very long time --- when I am truly desperate for entertainment.
I need to get a new mouse for my pc. I just realized that it has life-altering consequences in internet-subsistence if I fail to get a new one in the next few hours.
* * *
Friday, June 20, 20038:44 PM will people please stop asking me WHY I'm still in school?!?
Is it such an enigma that I'm still taking classes? Am I such an extraordinary abnormality that people should ask why I am still in UA&P? Heck, that guy who had been in school for almost eight years now may be the phenomenon all chismosos are looking for. Everybody knows he's almost an institution in school. Did the spotlight suddenly focus on me when he walked off the stage with a diploma last month? People ran out of things to talk about? Is that it? And just when I wanted to be inconspicuous for the rest of the semester, almost every single person I see either says, "O, why are you still here? Didn't you graduate already?" or "Akala ko grumaduate ka na." OR (this is the worst part) "Hey, how come I didn't see you in graduation? I was waiting for your name to be called."
People, people! Can you just STOP making me feel like crap? It doesn't help every time you say "sayang naman" after I tell you the reason. It doesn't make me feel any better at all, so don't tell me how sayang it is. I know it's freakin' sayang! I know it's such a shame not to be able to graduate with my batch. I KNOW! So, back off!
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11:01 AM 3 things that made me feel old (and/or at least, made me feel I should have graduated)
This year marks something extraordinary in my family of the weird. I have now three nieces in the same university I go to. I feel old and should have left UA&P already, the latest two to enroll weren't supposed to catch up with me.
Yesterday, freshman-niece-that-I-most-agree-with (since she's more down to earth than the other one), dropped by my place since her dad (my favorite first cousin) dropped her off two hours early for her first class. She was already in my living room, sleeping on the couch when I woke up and had breakfast. She then asked me if she could leave her stuff on the table (making my flat an oversized locker) and borrowed my comfy blue jacket since it feels like Antarctica in the classy classrooms of ACB. That was really okay, I don't have any younger siblings so it feels good to look out for someone. But then I secretly whinced when she suddenly kissed me on the cheek and said, "bye, tita." Oh my... I am an aunt... This may take some getting used to. She did it again in the afternoon when she returned my jacket.
The other day, while enrolling for my classes, my friends in third year were creating a raucous in the promenade in school. They were actually yelling: "Are you going to teach APS Australia? What section? We're enrolling in your class, ha!" I hung my head in regret and said I wasn't teaching this year. (It was one of the offers to go to the MA.) And one of them already enlisted and we discovered that a terror-teacher was going to teach all of the APS Australia classes. Ooops.
I counted the weeks till August 1. Five weeks at least. Five weeks to lose ten pounds. Am in major trouble. It's not healthy to lose a pound a week, much more if it's 2 pounds.
(Note: because of the fear of "staining" this beautiful template and feeling really guilty afterwards so "crap" is only as far as I can get, I have made a promise to myself not to curse in my entries and that since I have an insane urge to do so right at this moment but will control myself, just fill in the blanks. It would help if you use your imagination.)
Just when you're all happy because you've finally finished transcribing the ________ minutes of that ________ meeting plus the fact that you have some cool schedule of class three times a week, you receive news that your ________ three-hour class for today has been dichotomized into Mondays and Thursdays from 12-1:30 making you go to school four times a week with only an hour and a _________ half of class time per day. That really, really, really sucks! P.I. talaga ng P.I.!
And just when you thought you finally have nothing to do with the ________ of an institute director, you learn that he'll be your _______ professor second-half of the semester. ________!!!!
It's ultimate crap and I don't ________ like it. Not one ________ bit.
The world is my oyster! No matter how many times my mom and dad told me this, I never really believed it. But as of the moment, I am quite happy with the way things are going. It must be the endorphins. Although I shouldn't get my hopes up, I am being optimistic about the possibilities. I can't disclose any information yet (sorry if you feel cheated from this entry) because I want to talk about the options as soon as they are sure to happen. (I don't want to put a whammy...)
Rest assured that I am not doing anything illegal. I am not taking any drugs --- legal or illegal. And no, I did not discover a devious plan to assassinate an institute director. I am just happy.
* * *
10:23 AM I can't understand why some mothers would cage their children. Talk about violation of Children's Rights.
Cable TV is down. I hate it. I can't get my usual dose of CNN and BBC during breakfast, and probably a few cartoons in Disney, Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network, whichever broadcasts a good show. The intercom phone is ringing off the hook but I'm not answering any calls today from the lobby. Besides, its's always a 90% chance that its not for me. If people need me, my cellphone is on 24/7, my number is not one big secret.
Some people in my class are having their masters classes right now. Some are having law classes in a different university. While me, I am just bumming at home, blogging. It hurts not to be in the heat of the action. Though I never admitted it before, it hurts not to be in the masters classes because it was what I wanted in freshman year, but then of course, the higher realization would always sink in and I would take back what I just said in a matter of seconds. I'm glad I'm not in the MA program anymore. Too tired, too tired, too damned tired to ever have the patience for the mismanaged institute. Besides, this time off will give me the chance to think about MA degrees. What's making me ache so much is the fact that the school is right in front of my flat. As I am sitting right now and typing away, the university is just a stone's throw from my balcony. I turn my head to the right, and the main building is staring at me in the face. Ouch.
But the thing that hurts the most would be the fact that at this time I was supposed to be in law school, studying my ass off for the greater good of things. The future of the Philippines, I believe, lies in environmental law, and there is only one successful environmental lawyer in the country. I know this because my dad specialized in criminal law at some point and he knew who was who in the business. A few months ago, I was already reviewing for the entrance exams, my application was ready for submission, what the heck happened? Oh, aside from the fact that one of my recommendation letters got lost in the mail because of the stupidity of a former professor, I didn't have the heart to submit it because I knew UA&P was not yet done with me, rather, I wasn't done yet with UA&P. So right now, I get to read the blogs of my former classmates who are now in my dad's (and my supposed to be) alma mater. Somehow, the readings and the class discussion seem really exciting, but I'm glad I'm not in law school. Not right now anyway.
I enrolled for a class at 4:30 in the afternoon and the professor informed one of my classmates that he was sick. Everybody was sending SMS messages that there was a free cut that day. So Soliloquy, the other friend that I was supposed to enroll, and I went to Galleria and watched The Guru. It is definitely one of the funniest movies I have ever seen and if you think that Moulin Rouge showed you a great ethnic Indian dance sequence, you'll have Heather Graham and Marisa Tomei dance like they've been filming in Delhi all their life. The Guru is not just funny, you actually get to contemplate on a few things about life. Plus the twist in the end is hilarious!
* * *
Monday, June 16, 200310:33 PM NEED SERVICE PLEASE.
This is what you write on the back of the enlistment form when you have been waiting for Registrar people to give you the time of day.
NEED SERVICE PLEASE.
This is what you write and show Registrar people you mean business.
NEED SERVICE PLEASE.
This is what you write when your friend's authorization letter isn't good enough to authorize you to enroll her, but instead you need the signature of the Registrar Officer that looks like this character from Monsters Inc. to register your friend.
NEED SERVICE PLEASE.
This is what you write when you're getting desperate since you still need to actually get the freakin' signature.
NEED SERVICE PLEASE.
This is what you write when you want your other friend who waits with you to be mortified, thus, forcing her to hide under the table (or try to anyway).
NEED SERVICE PLEASE.
This is what you write when you try to convince the Roz-looking Registrar Officer to sign the damned authorization letter instead of barking your head off because you're doing your friend a favor.
NEED SERVICE PLEASE.
This is what you write when you want justice from evil money-hungry universities that add a two thousand peso penalty fee because you were forced to enroll late since your authorization letter wasn't good enough to authorize your friend to enroll you.
NEED SERVICE PLEASE.
This is what you write as a joke to amuse people and yourself when the harsh reality of non-existent consumer protection is staring right in front of you.
Weird enough, I spent the day enrolling in UA&PandUP. Basically, my schedule this semester is oh-so-sweet. Just three days a week and an hour and a half in each day. Now what am I going to do with the rest of my free time?
Good thing the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences talked to me about a project that's an extension of my practicum. He mentioned something about working with World Bank and talking to public schools about a new college subject. Sounds good. Don't have the details yet but I hope it will be fun.
I wonder if I'll get an allowance from the school for this. Gas is kinda expensive out here. And my mouse just gave up on me, I need to buy a new one for my pc. I need money!!!
Oh and what did I do in UP? I didn't cross-enroll but Soliloquy did. It felt weird to go to another university during their enrolment. And because of such crummy "sheltered" conditions in UA&P, I was in a bit of a culture shock when we got there.
Ever tried eating French bread (yeah those fancy-schmancy-long-whatchamallits) for breakfast that’s been on top of the refrigerator for three days already?
Two words: disturbingly chewy.
Heck, I don’t care what Keech blogged, I’m buying pan de sal tomorrow morning!
* * *
Sunday, June 15, 200310:55 PM fairy tales to tickle the heart strings
That might as well be the title. I couldn’t think of anything as sappy as the romantic comedy movies I watched today. I watched Maid in Manhattan this morning, and then the cartoon, Hercules, was on Disney at 7pm. (Yes. I still watch cartoons. What’s that? Oh, age doesn’t matter. No. Really.)
I admit it, I watch corny-sappy-make-you-wanna-wish-you’re-in-love-too-but-then-guys-like-that-only exist-in-the-movies-so-I-might-as-well-forget-it kind of movies. Even the cartoon kind. I remember I read a feminist paper on fairy tales once in class. Fairy tales, according to the author and I somehow to a certain degree agree with her, promote the subjugation of women by demonstrating that they have to be damsels in distress in order to meet guys. Now come on! They’re just fairy tales, how harmful can they be? Apparently, as the paper shows, very damaging since they give young minds --- girls, as well as boys --- the impression that women have to be saved every time. And so?!? I grew up on them, and there seems to be nothing wrong with me. Uh… um… ahehehe… (put foot in mouth here)
But she did have a point though. It gives women certain wrong impressions. Like have you ever wondered why women suffer from heartbreak because they fall too easily without finding out what the guy is really like. Let me ask you this, how are we sure that Snow White didn’t really end up with an axe murderer? These fairy tales do not really give a background check on Prince Charming, you gotta admit that. You know, I can’t even remember Cinderella’s guy’s name? Do you actually call him “Charming” (Hey, Charming! Oy, pare, musta?)? I don’t think they even mentioned the Beast’s real name, we just know him as the Beast.
All I know is that the imagination is not something I want to grow out of. Watching fairy tales, even the cartoon kind, will never be a thing of the past for me. In fact, if I have the talent to draw cartoons, I will gladly pack up and go to Disney and become one of their production designers.
And besides, I think Mulan is the best among all cartoon movies, hands down. Now how’s that for women empowerment, hmmm?
Housekeeping isn’t exactly one of my best skills. I suck at it. The only thing I am proud of when it comes to the house is my hand-washing skills and my mechanical expertise in repairing VHS, CD, and DVD players, and other electronic stuff. By the time I was eleven, I have been electrocuted more than once. I’m handy around the garage too. But housekeeping? I’m at a loss. When I was a kid, I used to “help” the house help with the chores. I remember waxing the marbled floors and getting the weeds out from the carpet-like Bermuda grass. However, the help would always “scare me off” because rather than me “helping” them, I prolonged the chore more than the usual time it would take plus I made everything more chaotic. Oh there were times when my mom would come to my defense and tell the people to leave me alone so that I will learn how to do these things (how do you think I learned to hand-wash shirts, jeans and blankets?), but most of the time she would be at work. And now my room suffers from this ignorance that I have.
So this dummy bought a book entitled Household Hints for Dummies. Pathetic. Yes. I agree. Which is why I hung my head in shame as I paid for the thing.
It’s my cousin’s birthday today and it just so happens that it’s father’s day today too. That’s two reasons to celebrate. I had a late lunch with my cousin and her husband, and my three nieces.
Weird family fact: the eldest of my nieces is older than me by a year. I am twenty; the other two are 19 and 18. We could pass for sisters if my skin wasn’t so damned pale. My cousin turned 49.
We had lunch in an authentic Japanese restaurant in Little Tokyo which happens to be just a few blocks away from the flat I’ll be moving in to few months from now. We sat on a floor (that’s how authentic it was), there were Japanese chefs chopping at the speed of light, and the menu was in Japanese characters (with translations, of course!). I ordered the Nigiri Sushi platter. Mmmm… sushi…
But of course, for the not so adventurous, the whole ordering bit would be troublesome. If my sis and I didn’t binge on Japanese food one summer, I wouldn’t be so courageous to get the stuff. And I guess the owner of the restaurant had foresight for people who are reluctant in the Realm of the Raw. At the bottom of the menu it was written on sticky tape: Hamburger Lunch P250 ($5). Guess the place wasn’t so authentic.
Never eat the Japanese rice wrapped in sweet dough after sushi; the salty properties of the soy sauce and wasabi further enhanced the sweet flavor so much that the dessert becomes sickeningly sweet. It almost ruined my perfect lunch; good thing the red ginger revived my taste buds back to normal.
Goodness! How did that bottle of Japanese chili powder get in my bag? Mwehehehe!
* * *
10:58 AM Happy Father's day to all dads out there!
Just when you think that what you're eating for breakfast is Mmmm... mmm.... mmm... good, it's actually evil. According to Keech, its smell might be more than just a health hazard. Check out her latest entry to get the facts from her research on the traditional can't-live-without-it Filipino breakfast bread.
To quote one of the findings: "Newborn babies can choke on pandesal." The solution? "A 300 percent governent tax (and vat) on all pandesal to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with pandesal."
And I thought the increase of the international price of wheat was enough reason to stop buying it. P3 for a baked 2-inched piece of dough is too much...
* * *
Saturday, June 14, 20033:42 PM feeling under the weather
What is up with this weather?? The sun is shining like crazy but clouds are really dark and they're too dark to be smog. Yes I know that Manila is polluted, and it's that polluted but not even a volcano eruption could darken the clouds like this. Come on and get it over with already! Just start raining or something! Strike a lightning bolt somewhere, heck I don't mind if I get hit in the balcony, I just want it to pour because my sinuses are driving me nuts.
* * *
Friday, June 13, 200311:51 PM early quarter life crisis
I'd hate to think that I am a useless person because that would trash the efforts of my parents in raising me. I know for a fact that I am not useless because I am still very much alive and I have the world as my one giant oyster. If I am, indeed, useless, God can strike me right now with a lightning bolt and fry me to crisp on the spot, or he can choose a very undramatic way for me to die; but I have lived in this earth for twenty years and with the way it's going so far, it looks like I'm in for another twenty, (and what the heck?) maybe even more.
But what is slowly a growing concern to me is that I am undergoing a premature stage of what experts call the "quarter life crisis". I do NOT know the answer to the question, what do I want?Soliloquy and I were waiting for a cab on a sidewalk a block away from my house when I shared this particular dilemma and she asked me, "when you wake up in the morning, what do you like the most to do for the day?" The only thing I could think of was "blogging".
Now I know I am in trouble. I do not know what I want and for sure blogging will not support the life ahead of me. I know I sound like such a brat when I say that I don't know what to do because everything I need to survive is right in front of me (God bless my parents). I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table. And yet it is I think because of how "sheltered" I am that I am not doing my best to figure out everything. I am not being ungrateful... just inexperienced and (here we go again) inadequate. My mom says that I am just "disoriented" with everything --- not graduating on time and seeing the best laid plans shattering to bits in front of me and all.
But whatever it is, I think I need some drastic action to finally figure out once and for all what I really want to do. I am proposing that I be cut off from parental support for six months as soon as I graduate at the end of this year. And if still I cannot figure out anything, then I will go home to Surigao. Maybe this will solve the problem.
Whilst researching for a paper for one of my classes this summer, I came across this site that basically contain the phenomenal figures of the Philippines. I know I am being pol eco-ish and I do admit that it's a bit boring to an ordinary non-pol eco person, but hey, you have to be concerned at some point with what's happening with our country. And these figures are enough to scare anyone.
You know that the world is starting to lose its feel for ingenius creativity and imagination, emotion and all else human when the internet is now capable of generating poetry out of an existing URL. From Rob's Amazing Poem Generator the Tao of Alba is reduced into a jumble of electronic prose.
The actress clause
has something to Canada soon. +++
After how
Well, for four generations.
My radical
self rejects any sibling competition
myself because she do you
have about
a visa application
form. and though I still agree with
the net for the .
mall.
Ever since Disney released Aladdin, I have been aching to get a pet tiger of my own. This morning while my roommate was watching an episode of a local talk show called Morning Girls, I was unexpectedly glued to the tube when this actress-with-close-relations-to-a-politician shows up with her pet tiger. Well, actually, it was more like a cub and people in the audience were freaking out when the cub didn't want to go up the stage. I think all that attention, the bright studio lights and all those people gawking will get anyone (or anything) nervous. One of the show hostpersons (let's be politically correct here) looked like she would run away when some people in the audience started standing on their seats.
Poor cub. I happen to know for a fact that it's illegal to keep a tiger in the Philippines. I guess the politician part in the actress clause has something to do with it. One of the appalling things of living in a Third World country.
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Thursday, June 12, 20038:01 PM may be in the right track
Of course, if you read the previous entry, you might notice the certain "inadequacy" I have about my Pol Eco specialization and my not-so-clear-on-what-I-want-to-do dilemma. After surfing on the net for some "profiles" stuff (aren't you just fascinated about finding out who you are based on what people mystically create?), I discovered that my birthday-tarot-card equivalent is The Emperor, which basically indicates:
Worldly authority and power. Social mastery and oratory. One who is intelligent, experienced, confident and reasonable. A patriarch or primary male influence. The motive force of politics and society. The ability to fulfill plans and use mental control over the emotions.
Reading through, I also discovered that my "Birth Mates" include the likes of Adolf Hitler, Mao Zedong, Theodore Roosevelt, Steven Spielberg, and Osama bin Laden --- oh yeah, I'm definitely in the right track. (Notice that all these people had their own "little" way of achieving world domination. I see a pattern here.)
I have had this feeling for a long time: my BA in Humanities Major in Political Economy is not good enough for anything. I do not feel the least bit satisfied with the education I have received in UA&P. I feel so inadequate. I can't even think of a single decent job that could propel my so-called "pol eco" career. And if ever I did proceed to the MA proper, I would have the most beautiful sounding title of all graduates in any graduation ceremony: MA in Political Economy specializing in International Relations and Development. (Now, you have to agree, it does sound like music to your ears). But, the MA wouldn't be credited abroad, so its useless in a way... yet it still sounds nice.
I was once one of the students vying for the MA until an unfortunate turn of events. It was my crackpot stupidity and the sadistic beliefs of the professors that got me out of the running. It's a long story and if you dig through my archives, you'll probably figure out what happened. I was never cut out for the MA, well according to their standards, anyway. I am a student that loves to learn, sounds perfect, right? But I am also the student that does not believe that grades can accurately equate my intellectual capacity. Unfortunately, the rest of the world does not believe so. My radical self rejects any form of measurement and though I did get some good grades, I also got some really bad ones.
And so, here I am, feeling as inadequate as hell. Inadequate as a pol eco student. And probably next year, inadequate as a graduate. Getting an MA is definitely an option for me. Right now, I'm drooling over this. But I hear a small voice in my head saying "sure... keep dreaming". Well, maybe an MA in Gender Studies and Religion will do.
I learned that this theater buddy of mine who got kicked out of the university is now working in a call center just three buildings away from my flat. Starting salary is P12,000 a month. Not bad. He also told me that my ex's current girlfriend works there too and she's paying her own tuition with it. And this got me thinking. P12,000 is kinda cool for pocket money. And besides, the call center is just three buildings away! If ever I get the graveyard shift, it wouldn't be too scary to go over there since I'll just walk.
The disadvantage of this whole thing would be working with the girlfriend (it's a really long story), plus, I'm moving to another city by October and it's a 6-month contract. Oh I'm not being so icky with the fact that the job wouldn't justify what I have studied for four years now. My snotty professors can go jump off the 7th floor faculty room for all I care.
Technically, when you go to an embassy, you have already entered the country's territory. So, I was in Sweden this morning, sort of, to pick up my mother's passport and visa. I have never been so glared at before. The line was really long and I was visitor # 67. The thing is, the security guard just told me to fill up this form and then proceed immediately inside since I was picking up the stuff anyway. BUT of course in this story there would be some villain to make the feat a little more sensationalized than necessary. There was this girl, probably just a few years older than I, who started to make a fuss about me not having to line up to get inside. What part of "picking up a visa" does she do not understand? I am not applying for a visa, therefore I do not need to get in line.
And then she started yakking about being in line since really early that morning and that I'm getting a special treatment. I got in nevertheless and she and her friends also went inside the transactions area. She glared at me for how many seconds while we waited for our names to be called. I was getting really irritated myself because my mother assured me in the beginning that the whole process would just take ten minutes or less. I was there for one freakin' hour. The girl who kept glaring at me even left earlier than I did because she just grabbed a copy of the visa application form. And to think I was only to give the receipt and authorization letter to get those damned things.
The worst part of it all was that the whole thing was like rubbing salt on my wounds. I was supposed to go to Sweden (the actual Sweden in Europe) with my mom had I graduated college this year. Damned thesis!
I got an email from a friend that contained Pablo Neruda’s poem, Tonight I Can Write. And though I have been collecting poetry from contemporary and traditional authors (as of now, a corner of my room has turned into a mini-library), I don’t think I will ever get over this particular literary piece. The first time I read it was in my freshman language class in the university, and the professor played a recording of it. Alec Baldwin was the actor who read these beautiful lines, and I simply melted in my seat. I can’t exactly explain why the poem has such an impact on me. Maybe because back then (four years ago), it was how I imagined what love would be like.
And now, as I read it again on email four years later, I’ve got that same feeling as the first time I encountered it… Yet I can’t help but think that maybe it’s no longer my imagination that gives me this “feeling” but the fact that I had loved someone and lost.
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Sheesh! Back to my crazy self again. This afternoon while I was telling my guy friend about Vanessa Tieg’s paintings made of menstrual fluid, I became too descriptive of this one painting that I liked (you gotta admit, she is good despite the absurdity of her medium), his face got really red and he told me outright, “you know what? You’re talking like you’re not a girl!”
So if a guy talks about it the way I just did... Well, if a guy would talk the way I did? I ‘d say he would have one twisted mind. And if a guy would really talks about it the way I just did, where in the world will he get the “clumpy” details?
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The same guy revealed later that his mom became jealous of me when we used to hang out after chorale rehearsals.
Uhuh… So does this mean the free Sukhothai dinners are now out of the question?
1. What time is it? 10:15 pm
2. Nickname(s): alba, tess, ria, ray, reese, tekya, pegs
3. Any pets? none
4. Eye colour: green-flecked brown
5. Hair colour: deep brown
6. Piercing: ears...
7. How much do you love your job? i don't have one… yet
8. Favourite colour: BLUE!
9. Favorite food: lots
10. Been to Africa? I wish
11. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Hell yeah
12. Been in a car accident? Funny you should ask…
13. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons and bacon bits
14. Sprite or 7 UP? Neither, nothing can replace my Coke Light.
15. Favourite Movies: Radioland Murders, Only You, Sleepless in Seattle, etc… etc…
16. Favourite Holiday: my Birthday =)
17. Favorite day of the week: Sunday
18. Favorite Toothpaste: colgate total
19. Favorite restaurant: Paparazzi
20. Favorite Flower: uhh…
21. Favorite alcoholic drink: sangria
22. Favorite sport to watch: volleyball, futsal, soccer!
23. Preferred type of ice cream: chocolate… rocky road rocks!
24. Favorite Sesame Street? Cookie Monster
25. Disney or Warner Bros: definitely Disney, but I love Warner Bros. too.
26. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: KFC
27. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Page One
28. What do you do most often when you are bored? watch TV
29. Name the person that you are friends with that is the farthest away? My sister
30. Most annoying thing people ask me? Can’t think of any…
31. Bedtime? midnight
32. Favorite TV show: Star Trek, Ally Mcbeal, Malcom in the Middle, does Kim Possible count?
33. Last person you went out to dinner with: my dad =)
34. Last Movie you saw: Agent Cody Banks
35. Last person you had a phone conversation with: my mom
36. Who is your most treasured friend? This page isn’t enough…
37. How do you see yourself after 10 years? Oh, now that’s for me to know and you to find out ;)
38. What is your greatest fear? It’s a secret…
39. Most embarassing moment? I’ll tell you the most recent: The X-ray thing in Cardinal Santos…
40. Name someone who said something that struck/inspired you? Erick Portugal: “Literature is a form of Activism”.
Copy and paste this on your blog and maybe I could get to know you too. =)
Finally got the new skin on my blog! Yippee!! Next project: a site that should host my writing and what not’s. Bundi, aren’t you just amazed?
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He will go to Canada soon.
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After how many months of absence from chorale rehearsals, I finally came back today. God, I miss singing! It’s basically the only thing that relieves stress. Every time I look at those notes and open my mouth, I forget every single thing that’s bothering me, and it would just be music, the chorale, and me.
Thanks to Katia and halfwaygully for this beautiful design. Thanks also to Bundi for the twister fries, the laughs, and the html help. I will never listen to Java Jive the same way again.
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Friday, June 06, 200311:37 PM i spy with my little eye
Okay, the movie was cute. Agent Cody Banks is definitely more than Malcom in the Middle meets Lizzie Maguire. No brainer, very funny, it got really corny in the end. I like it! Except the corny ending. But if ever it was true that the CIA does have an "Agent Development Program" masquerading as Summer Camp, it will be the first (and only) time that I'm going to wish that I was raised in the US.
Yes, I admit it. One of my craziest, wildest dreams include becoming an agent of the best intelligence agency. In fact, I already have a grand plan. I'm going to fake my own death after mastering oral and written Russian, apply for the KGB, adopt the life of a KGB agent (learn martial arts and stuff) and then go about my secret missions. When I retire? I'll convince the Russian government to send me to Brazil where I'm going to start an environmental movement.
But then, certain things will prevent me from achieving this, aside from the fact that Russia is deteriorating into Third World economy status. Ever since the end of the Cold War, Russia's economy has been spiraling downward.
Hmmm... China is getting richer though... maybe I should continue that one semester of Mandarin, just in case.
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I still don't agree with the movie's tagline "Save the World. Get the Girl. Pass Math" because there wasn't a single scene that Cody Banks had to slave over Math problems. In fact, the Agency did his homework!
On second thought, now I really want to be in the CIA.
I have been a couch potato these past few days. I have also been stalling to do the last bit of work for my practicum which is to type out the minutes of the meeting, actually to be more exact, I have to transcribe five audio tapes. Ugh! I really don't want to do it... I may be able to decipher weird German-Ambassador-chicken-scratch-handwriting, but how exactly do you decipher 15 accents at the same time?
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And speaking of being a couch potato, I did something that's utterly shameless: I watched episodes of The Bold and The Beautiful three days in a row. And may I say that there are really distinct differences between an American soap opera and a Mexican telenovela. The former is a bit more depressing. Mexicans know how to humor their audience.
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I'm going to redeem myself from my shameless-soap-opera-watching (my roommate thinks so) later by watching Agent Cody Banks in the mall. Oooh! Can't wait!
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Thursday, June 05, 200310:33 PM blogging and blogger
Thanks to Katia, my template-changing project is under way. Now all I have to do is figure out where to put those archives. Then I realized that blogger is kinda inefficient in some ways... (Am I allowed to say this?) So the idea of moving out seems tempting. Maybe I'll take Laila's offer of having a url address of our own.
But then, that's a long way off. I'm having a hard time with the archives thingy as it is. I'm sticking to the basics first. Let's not get carried away yet.
And then I realized there's something wrong with the commenting system again.
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But I do feel accomplished though. Spent the whole day clicking "view source" on the template I'm adapting. You can check out halfwaygully for some blog templates. Most of them I really, really like. Some of the stuff I found in blogskins are nice too.
I think the biggest mistake I have ever done is to think that I am mature for my age. I sometimes think that I am too mature in fact. BUT this is not completely true. I just think a lot. Although part of it may be true. I am mature in the sense that I have the maturity of a twenty-year-old, which is good coz I am twenty. Well, I do have responsibilities that not most twenty-year-olds get to do and they make me feel old... And then, there's more, I grew up as the youngest in the family and the generation gap that exists between me, my sister and my parents are a hella complicated. How? Well, for one thing, just in my family alone, there are four generations. My dad is 16 years older than my mom, who is 21 years older than my sister, who is 14 years older than me. My dad, whom I get along the most, is 52 years older than me. My sister grew up without any sibling competition until she turned 14 when I was born. By the time I was growing up, I had no sibling competition myself because she had to go to high school in Cebu while I remained in Surigao. And to top all the weirdness that this implies, all the neighbors' kids that I play with are all guys, and all my cousins are guys too --- eight of them at least. I didn't grow up with girls and that makes me your regular garden variety tomboy. My uncle used to bet on me and my cousins during fiestas because we already make up one basketball team, with substitutes! And heck, we're good at playing basketball too, so my uncle would come home a very happy man. By the way, this uncle of mine? He is two years younger than my sister. Can you actually believe that my mother and her mother were almost pregnant at the same time at some point in their lives?
Why am I talking about maturity? Because I feel inadequate. Inadequate about a lot of things. Now I know what Socrates (or whoever) meant when he said, "the only thing I know is that I know nothing."
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Wednesday, June 04, 200311:05 PM thoughts at random
This is probably the result of having nothing intellectual to work on. I keep asking stupid questions like:
>>You know what you call a really really mean person? Very meaningful. >>How come when something is beautiful, you say it's awesome, but when it's full of awe, it's awful?
See what I mean? I think this is what you call boredom.
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I'm thinking of changing my blog template. One of these days probably. Once I figure out all the necessary details.
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My friend asked me a very unusual question after we watched Bruce Almighty a few hours ago. How do you check out a guy? Oh my, we are certainly at a dilemma here. How do you check out a guy? Well, you just check them out... we thought the right question would be what's the difference between just looking and checking out?
It's kinda complicated to explain. All I know is that I welcome the chance when I get to "check out" a guy. (hehehe! I think Mr. Tillah, one of the professors I had, got shocked when he accidentally saw this side of me once.)
I am running out of titles for my blog entries... oh well...
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Went to the doc this morning only to find out what I have known all along: I've got scoliosis, mild, only ten degrees. No big... except that he made me wait in the intolerable cold waiting room for almost two hours just to speak with him for five minutes. And for a person who never turns the aircon on even in the blistering heat of Manila, you could just imagine the inhumanity!
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On the way to Nasugbu few weeks ago, I saw a "Harvard School for Children" in Laguna, and recently I discovered that there is a "Lincolnshire Preschool Internationale" three blocks away from my place. This morning, I saw a new sign that says "Oxford Preschool" in Ortigas Center.
Now I've seen everything.
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Monday, June 02, 20036:42 PM ”take off your pants, too”
This was what the Lab Technician in Cardinal Santos hospital said to me. What the ___??? Excuse me? I know getting an X-ray means taking off my brassiere but my pants? Are you insane?!
Oh yeah, it wasn’t bad enough that the lab technician was a guy. But he had to ask me to freakin’ take my pants off! Damn it. What was worse, he gave me this flimsy, tattered, OLD hospital gown that would probably send the St. Paul nuns I grew up with crying their hearts out. Hell, it would probably scandalize the Opus Dei neumers in my university. Que freakin’ horror!!
I decided not to change into the gown. I really didn’t want to wear that thing. It looked like the basahan I would use when I clean the blinds at home. The material was really thin and it freaked me out. I had to come out the dressing room and babble in panic: “I’m not wearing this thing until my mom comes in here.” And I dashed out the X-ray area and searched for my mom. And the fact that I couldn’t find her immediately made me panic even more. But the whole time she was just hiding behind the door, texting.
Okay, so the whole X-ray lab guys were snickering in fits. I could see them smirking behind those surgical masks. But I still did NOT want to wear that thing until my mom convinced me to. I sighed in defeat and went inside the dressing room. Then my mom knocks on the door and said, “O, eto, it’s looks a lot thicker.”
The thing is, it was a lot thicker. It looked almost brand new --- not like the tattered basahan they gave me. I know I sound so full of myself right now, but I think you’d freak out too if you saw the holes on that thing. I’m not supposed to get malicious or anything, but I had a feeling that they were keeping that new gown from me. I swear there are sick minds out there, even if they do work in a hospital.
And then when the guy started operating the machines, I was so uncomfortable with the silence that I started making small talk. I broke the ice by saying, “this is one of the most embarrassing things I have ever done. Well, not really… but close. And he said, “its okay. sanay na kami sa mga ganyan.”
Oh, and that’s supposed to make me feel better? Screw you if you have no qualms about women in hospital gowns, but who’s getting X-rayed here? You or me? Who’s the one who had to take her freakin’ clothes off? Not you, but me! ME!!
And the most horrifying thing of all was that the lab guys were really cute.
Freak.
ey, cool! Check this out:
You are Morpheus, from "The Matrix." You have strong faith in yourself and those around you. A true leader, you are relentless in your persuit.
As I go about my daily (well not so daily this week) blog-reading, I noticed that my previous entry have sparked a bit of a mass reflection on life and death. I apologize for making you guys think about dying, life is beautiful and we shouldn't live it by being scared of death. My friend and I talked the other day about the accident and she pointed out that I am now starting to live my second life. Hahaha! let's see what mess I will make out of this one then!
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Thanks, guys, for your kind words.
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Congratulations to Batch 2003 of UA&P, most especially to Franco, Augie and Joden! I'm going to miss you guys!
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It was supposed to be my graduation yesterday. I could have rented that smelly black toga from Cattleya and marched onstage to receive my diploma from the J-man and then pose for the camera and shake the dean's hand, the guest speaker's hand, the UA&P President's hand, and whoever was in CCP last night. Most of all, I could have gone outside the CCP smiling like a million bucks and take pictures with my parents and my niece (of course, my sister would not be there despite the hundreds of wishes I would make...and... well...). Moreover, I would hear the University chorale singing Gaudeamus in the background. It was my chance to be sung to after singing through previous graduations. I imagined what could have happened through in my head and I didn't want to make myself suffer by singing in this graduation with the chorale.
Oh, well. ces't la vie! Like I always say.
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A horrible thought entered my mind just now. What if I was to graduate this year? Wouldn't it be really ironic if I died a week before graduation?
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Went to the Rehab Dept of Cardinal Santos Hospital yesterday to check if the accident has aggravated my scoliosis. I have no injuries, no fractures, nothing. Thank God! What I suffered from was intense muscle spasm brought by a mild whiplash. Trust me, it hurt. My dad and my niece don't have any injuries at all. But I got all the bruises.
Better me than them.
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I am really all set to move out in five months. I checked out the unit in Pasong Tamo yesterday and the place looks okay for a first apartment. I am already designing a self-dedicated project to help me get on my feet for the year. I will still be applying for USyd by October. Hopefully, I'll get in. And maybe everything will turn out okay.
As for this year, I have listed the following major goals that I should accomplish aside from the remaining subjects:
1. lose 10 pounds by August. Nobody laugh. I really need to do this for my back. teehee! =) 2. enroll in the Gallery of Fine Arts in Katipunan and try painting. Last time I painted seriously, I was 7. 3. learn how to swim. I am pathetic. I live where surfers come from all over the world but I never had the guts to follow my sister's aquatic prowess. 4. re-learn my Spanish. I used to talk like a native when I was young, but now, I am a disgrace to my heritage. Good thing my ninang doesn't take it against me. 5. Find a part-time job . I hear the job market is non-existent out there. Anyway, I'll try my luck at writing freelance. Feature-writing sounds good, plus I get to go back to my photojournalism days. 6. Save money for Boracay. I'm going there alone, remember?
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My mom is just so cool. She was really serious when she said I could do anything I want this year.
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"There are things out there that I want to discover, that one day this will all make sense... I am searching for the meaning of this cosmic existence that we're in. And
probably when I find the answer, I'll go and look for the anti-thesis."
5 THINGS
1. I sing in the University Chorale of the University of Asia & the Pacific, and we swept four gold medals in Greece for our very first International Competition. I got to do my two absolute favorite things: singing and traveling.
2. Although I am an Alto Two, my range widens up to Soprano One when I am drunk. Think Charlotte Church's Flower Duet. (I think it has something to do with swallowing the diaper pin when I was a baby). Dancing barefoot in debut parties may also be expected.
3. I work in an non-government organization focused on private sector development. It involves sleepless nights in the office and the constant worry of displeasing a former Secretary of Finance. My other two bosses are harmless.
4. I like my men in uniform. The Military has always been a fascination of mine even before when I was finishing a BA degree in Political Economy.
5. I no longer watch The Bold and the Beautiful much to the joy of friends and family.
